I am Kong Zulu, son of the assassinated Dr. Zulu of Castle Montabon!

It's time to vent.

I'm getting so sick and tired of reading these goofy emails from spammers who claim they are either a Prince or a Doctor that needs to transfer 25 million dollars into a "US-only bank account." And of course, having such high credentials as they do, they need MY help to do the transfer.

Yeah, plain boring me.

I'm just wondering -- does anybody actually fall for this stuff?

It's funny to read some of the variations to this genre of chain-letter email. I just received one not too long ago and it had such a hilarious story line, I put it aside and decided to share it with you. I've fixed most of the typing errors, but I left some grammar errors just to show you how poorly the email was written.

Anyway, here it is -- just read it for a laugh. My comments are in [blue] and the outrageous statements are in red.

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" Attn: President

Dear Sir/Ma,

I am Johnson Ige, the first son to the second wife of the recently assassinated Nigeria Attorney General of the Federation and Justice Minister CHIEF BOLA IGE [that's a mouthful]. I am moved to write you this letter in confidence considering my present circumstances and situation. As you may right know, I got your outfit through the Nigeria International Trade Board under the country's chamber of commerce and industry, they are the country's official agency in charge of promoting international business and investment, though I did not disclose my intention to them which is strictly confidential [I didn't realize I was so popular!].

I know you will be surprised to receive this message but do please consider it a request from a victimize and suffering family in serious need of your humble assistance, my mother and I had to bring you this proposal because we sincerely hope you be a reliable person to assist us. Anyway, my name is as above stated. I am first son to the Federation and Justice Minister of the Federation Republic of Nigeria CHIEF BOLA IGE [impressive!].

Six months, before the assassination of my father, he had used my name to deposit in two metal boxes the flat sum of twenty million united states dollars ($22,000,000 USD) in a vault of a private security company in my country here in Nigeria for safekeeping, (attached is the picture of the money while in Nigeria) and my father planned before his death is to invest this money for me in oversea as soon he finish his tenure as a minister, but unfortunately he met his untimely death, unidentified assailants assassinated him at his residence in Ibadan Oyo State on the early hour of Sunday December 23rd 2001 [can you say "run-on sentence"?]. Also, exactly a month before his death and upon his authority, the consignment that contained the money has been airlifted to Holland by the security company over here in my country and the consignment has since been kept at their affiliate sister security company in Holland for safe keeping pending the arrival of me and my father to Holland for my onward investment not knowing that he will meet his untimely death on the way [does this sound like a plot to a really bad movie?].

The affiliate sister company in Holland does know the actual content of the metal boxes deposited with them since my father lodged them as a diplomatic consignment and declared the content to be photographic materials, these funds are security code to prevent them falling into wrong hands and also defaced to avoid detection [I'm surprised they didn't declare it as cheese instead of a photograph. I mean, Holland is known for cheese and Heineken beer, right?].

Immediately, after my fathers death, my stepmother has continued to be extremely mean and discriminatory to us in the family scheme of things, because her son Barrister Muyiwa Ige is the first son of the family while my own mother is the second wife of our father and I am her first child [Snow White?]. She has even arbitrarily accused my mother of having masterminded our father's assassination and all sorts of groundless accusations.

Right now, I am staying in my grand mother's hometown here in Lagos where ASYLUM, as it were, has been granted to me and my mother due to the intimidations and threats from my half brother [the plot thickens]. As it is now, we have decided to invest this money into any available and profitable business abroad which we are going to rely heavily on you to help us actualize as this is my father 's initial plan on this money before his death, but we want to get it transferred out from Holland first for onward investment purposes [don't forget the cheese!]. We do not want to invest here due to the turmoil and the sensitive status that the sudden death of my father brought to my father's family house, even to the whole of my father's hometown.

Therefore, the reason why I am contacting you for the assistance to help us receive this money in cash from the security company over there in your country, though on condition that the nature of your job will not permit you to assist me on this transaction, then I will appreciate and you will be rewarded, also if you can introduce to me any reliable foreign individual, company or religion organization, where I can send this money through, I have resolved to offer to you 20% of the total money for your assistance and every expenses are rightly subject to refund [that's $4.4 million US dollars, or $20,000,000,000,000 Canadian dollars -- good deal!].

As a foreign partner, I genuinely, solicit that you kindly help me and my mother receive this money from the security company into your country to our onward investments, which we are going to rely on you heavily to help us actualize.

The security company will deliver this money to you in your country in cash through the consignment.

I believe that you will be humane enough not to want to confiscate the whole money after what I told you me and my mother have been through. This transaction is 100% risk free because I have concluded arrangement to save guide whosoever is to assist us in this transaction, hence it requires high level of confidentiality and secrecy [what?]. So this transaction will be concluded within a maximum of 5-6 working days upon receiving your approval. Kindly contact me through this email addresses: [removed], and should this proposal happen to meet your utmost considerations, the details on how you will be able to receive the consignment in your country will be given to you consequence upon receipt that you are ready to assist us.

You should kindly furnish me with your private telephone / mobile numbers and fax number for further discussion and easy communications [furnish my house, while you're at it!].

Thanks very much in anticipation of your cooperation and hoping that you will treat this letter with urgency and privacy [and for fixing the many spelling and grammar errors]. God bless you. Regards, Ige. " ['Hakuna Mattata' to you too, moronic son of Ige!]

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After this newsletter was emailed, I received emails from fellow Infopackets Readers regarding Nigerian Spam Scam, and how to report Chain letters of this sort:

For Canada:

www.phonebusters.com

For USA:

http://www.scambusters.org/NigerianFee.html

http://www.quatloos.com/scams/nigerian.htm